The Magic Of Surprise
You can find the full article via M2 Magazine
A year ago I spoke at the M2 Summit to a few hundred people about my experiences with meditation and how a consistent practice eventually reframes our ideas of success. It was a talk I was very excited to give. However, when I got there, standing at the check-in counter ready to get miked up, was my ex-husband. Turned out he was the MC at the event, and was also going to interview me onstage after I’d spoken.
We hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in almost a decade. The demise of our 12-year relationship had been utterly devastating and for this particular talk, I was planning on speaking about the tail-end of my marriage. It was a time in my life that had been confusing, dark and scary; one that I hadn’t known how to navigate in a way that wasn’t self-destructive. Back then I didn’t have the skills to articulate what was happening internally, nor the understanding that I now have about stress, unconscious programming, mental/emotional-wellbeing and the effects of drugs and alcohol on our emotions as well as all of the above.
Basically I was going to talk about the depths of a shadowy, emotional cul de sac, out from which I U-turned and re-built my life.
To talk about it in front of my ex… well, that had never occurred to me as something I’d ever have to do.
To say my fight or flight kicked in at that point is an understatement. Moments such as these (i.e when there is an acute emotional response) are when I am beyond grateful for the practices that have not only saved my life, but continue to support and buffer me when I feel incredibly vulnerable.
I knew I didn’t have to give the talk. In fact the organizers told me, as they could see from both our reactions that this situation went way beyond awkward. But after a twenty minutes sitting in a toilet cubicle, breathing deeply and contemplating what would happen if I just disappeared; I knew that I would be ok giving this talk. I stepped on the stage, shaky but with a bemused curiosity bubbling under the surface—would I throw up, go blank or burst into tears? None of the aforementioned happened. I spoke from my heart and I didn’t change a thing that I'd been planning on sharing. Halfway through I even explained the situation with my ex, the surprise at seeing him and how once upon a time there is absolutely no way I would have been able to stand up here and open up about the painful time in which he was inextricably part of.
All my students have heard this story, because when I teach meditation, this talk is another example of how I’m consistently being shown what meditative practices eventually (over time and with patience and consistency) do for us and through us. Meditation helps regulate our nervous system and reframes our relationship with fear, grief and anger—aka vulnerability. For me, when emotional states are triggered these days I am able to stay with the feeling and make friends with the sensations in my body. My self-talk has become a protective older sibling, someone who always has my back. There’s a sense of trust that everything is going to be ok and often, that light-hearted bemusement I mentioned gently working to make the panic more spacious. Often the thing that pops up most in my mind is “Claire, what’s the worst that can happen?” I also have absolute faith that any situation that triggered this kind of intensity is an opportunity being presented to me.
My self-talk has become a protective older sibling, someone who always has my back.
Not only did I get to feel the depths of those miraculous, magical emotions, keep on my path and be vulnerable, but I also felt the story had come full circle. I was able to share the confusion and heartbreak of a period in my life when I didn’t have the vocabulary, communication skills or understanding of what was happening, to the person who perhaps needed to hear it the most.
The transcript of the talk is here. It stops just before the (best) moment when I talked about the situation re the ex, but hopefully this gives you a nice little back-story. Most importantly it highlights what I have experienced as one of the most important things my daily mediation practice has given me - an ability to hold difficult emotions, a fundamental shift in my internal dialogue from fear based to supportive and being able to gently keep moving forward when I am terrified.