Relapse

In the time between lockdowns, we quickly slipped back into old ways. The tendrils of our entrenched habits and coping mechanisms crawled back. We relapsed. Even though we told ourselves we’d hold on to the long-walks, the baking, the making-do-with-what-we-have—the presence and spaciousness of life slowly disappeared under the cover of distractions, appointments, busy-ness.

Our dependencies are insidious. Cleverly disguised as necessity and normalcy. Old habits die hard. Slowly but surely we are pulled in the direction of the safe and familiar, even if they’re unhealthy.

And now we find ourselves at home again. Round two, déjà vu. As anyone hooked on anything can learn; after the relapse/the setback aka the lesson, we now have available to us the wisdom of reflective hindsight. 

We are reminded of the memory of having more time, a slower pace. Let this be our compass. Let this help us discern and prioritize. Maybe this time the answer is louder and clearer. When the shops shut not only do we save money, but we save ourselves. 

It’s a tricky system we live in, one that talks incessantly of mental-health and self-care, of connection and community. But the invisible structures that hold us up, keep us suspended. Their momentum is the treadmill of more. Keeping our heads above the water, and keeping up with others seems like survival. 

In times like these we don’t fall off the treadmill, we’re pushed.  The shock moments of conscious-clarity fertilize curiosity. Is there a different way? Can I thrive with less? We might question ourselves, our choices. What we believe to be The Truth develops a sheen of instability. Just because our values match the values of those around us doesn’t make them right, good or healthy. Treading water isn’t a way to live, it’s a way to die, exhausted. 

We can’t pay attention when we’re rushing. And it’s as simple as that. Pay attention. Those who slow-down will watch as the unnecessary and the trivial trail off behind them. What’s left will be deeper and more sustainable.

Feel what you feel and be curious.

Fear fuels the cogs in the wheels of this system. The antidote—appreciation and present moment awareness. Appreciation is warm, open and expansive. Appreciation knows no anxiety, no limits and fills us from the inside out. Our cup overflows and we give without the thought of receiving in return. 

Becoming present shorts circuits the fear loop that lies to us. Awareness is a slipstream, we can ride it like the EAC bypassing the detours of the mind.

From this foundation our aspirations become inclusive and holistic, not limited and material. We can start anytime and the most important thing is to start small. We are the accumulation of our habits. Awareness and appreciation, both have to be remembered to be practiced, and practiced to be remembered.

It’s not a race, this will take time. It will take many relapses and reflections. It’s human nature to drift between sleep and awake.